The places I end up in the middle of the night. Fuck

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Title and ownership over property is a kind of manufactured order. As I slide into my societal adult years what once was only adolecent angst has swollen 10x in my heart. All whome I see as people in a collective leave me with a distaste. Worse than this, I have to participate within the collective. Now I have seemingly conflicting ideals. I appreciate humanity and it's accomplishments as well as the dreggs of most insincere hostilities. I like chinese food, I like cars, and obviously I love my iPhone (no matter how busted it is). I love how humanity ages. Multiple cultures whoes ideals are in opposition to eachother endlessly trying to find a compromise or erraticate. There is no natrual paralelle example. What I dislike are the applications of control imposed on my life. When the things I love most in my hands are entirely born of a system Im struggling to put myself at odds with, I feel overwhelmed. It's a desperate chase for compromise when living in such a absolute disadvantage during what I can assume with unwaivering confidence is my only time of collective conciousness. I want fairness in an unfair world an I have resolved that my sort of fairness doesn't flow with the current of the western world. I fear for my welfare in a world where the standards are measured in 45 year dedication that accomplishes very little. It's difficult to believe my father got all he has on his own and my mother arrived in this country with only $16.00 to her name simply that I might work a career for 45 years only to explore the world bungied to the stability of the life that simply pays the bills.
"stability". What the fuck does that even mean? That is such a trained measurment of fear in this world. Financial stability, security and other things we're taught to justify how we live. Our greatest potential is written in boundries that define where we roam. People used to believe the world was boundless and just an open expanse. In those times. They were entirely wrong. The world was a small place decades and centries ago. A place where when you spoke a nation if people could hear your words. Now the world has grow and where you might find it difficult to find unturned stones, that difficulty is eclipsed entirely when you try to define yourself freely. The rules are drawn bold to maintain all that has been indoctrinated into our standard way of life. I've seen very few practical examples of how a mentality in likeness of my own is exercised in our society. Being homeless is foolish just as is removing yourself entirely from the current state of humanity. Natural worship is smart but is only instituted by naturalist which is just fucking dumb. Essentially there's no such thing as compromise in this.

I doubt very many people are going to read this but I'm sure those of you that do will be quick to say that I'm being unfair to myself. Or this is poor logic. Or that you simply don't understand. I feel this perception of me could only be radical in the way that I am on the same side of the fence. Whereas someone else with an apperent cultural difference, perhaps fueled religiously, is better excepted as just being differnt. But that is a problem in the worst way. It shows an immediate unwillingness to reevaluate your being.

My attention was never meant to be averted as the bullshit started in pre-k. ...

It's so hard to align my thoughts as I stand here on the platform for the E Train.

... It may seem unrelated, but the other day I had a thought regaurding college suicide. More specifically suicide as a direct result of workload. What is the worth of an advanced education to a persons life? If you want to be a rocket scientist then I have may hav more sympathy for you but certainly not in the case of suicide. But if you're writting your senior thesis on the psychologically effects of desire: child to marshmellow, and your hard drive crashes on the last sentence, all there should be there is frustration. If you fail, it's only in theory you've failed. If you didn't study because you stayed out late and got wasted I still feel like you're failure is in theory. It could never be in actuallity. Your already so far at the mercy of someone elses opinion and you've proven soo much by your current position. To not graduate is nothing more than a "waste" of money. Now if you walk away from all that retaining nothing. Then you've wasted money. But it's only going to have the worth you assign it. My co-workers have gone to prestigious schools and programs and I'm still in a far better position to advance than them. Alot of things we do in practce are in fucking theory at the end of the day.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Walter, I didn't know what you would look like before I bought you. A friend expressed her desire to finish a plan that would have involved a machine like you. In quiet agreement, I planned for you. I discussed my finances for you. I stressed for you and paniced for you. I walked then ran then sprinted for you and then sat so uncomfortably in the drivers seat of my own vehicle for you. As a final gesture, I bled for you, Walter.
I didn't know what you would look like before I bought you.
You're calm now and civil for the moment but you will work back all that I claim you owe. Doing so with no hesitation or resistance. Walter, I expect the world of you and so long as I am kind I hope you will be respectful of that kidness.

With all of this said.
I'm really happy to have you,
Walter <3

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

She's in there killing it.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

My hairs a little fluffy, and by that I mean it could stand to be trimmed.

But today I feel pretty handsome

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

It was a favor when I offered to do this run so that Rick could go home and rest. I also needed to find out how long it would have taken me to get home this late at night since it will literally be the latest I will be leaving work at any point during production. This is a stress test. I have had endless chores since my late arrival at work this morning. So many chores that I didn't even get a proper moment to eat lunch. I'm well rounded and it's causing me to get no footing.

And I'm tired.

As we now enter the lincoln tunnel it's fame and glory aren't nested in the power of man and the planning and government. I see a much more modest tunnel. One that is a lit path on the frail home.

Rock walls through Weehawken.

Tenuous burst of commercial life on RT. 3

Two giants stadiums

Bloomfield

... Ave.

Home.

Sle...

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

"Uh oh it's almost hump day!!!!"

Fuck jobs like this and, surely, fuck people that's cracker barrell mindless statements like that. Being nice doesn't come in a prescribed gesture with a witty nonsensical (to a point where theres a entire loss of point) bullshit.

No one cares what you know or what shifty anicdotes you can use to describe your place in the work week. Why are you even laughing? You're obviously making fun of yourself and not in a way that's particularlly personal. Dicks. Fuck you.

Fuck this

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Probably since the middle of spring i've been making a list of the games coming out this year based of anounced releases by developers and studios.
Immediate purchases:

Fallout 3 DLC's
＊ The PITT
＊ Broken Steel
＊ Operation Anchorage

Commentary: I am so inspired by the creativity of these expansions and how that relate to events in the normal game. I love how it's all the same world but just different cities or towns in the US. You get to this really weighted sense of how devistating the war that ended the world was. Even in the expansions that just reference things from the game that were in passing. Mothership Zeta (which isn't on this list of Fallout expansions because it's not out for PS3) is based on there randomly being a crashed UFO hidden in the expanse of the map in the original game. All the art is based on the 1950's perception of alien technology. Phaser rays to dome bulb lit entirely metallic stream lined interiors for space ships.
A stupid good game.

Uncharted 2

Commentary: The first Uncharted was to PS3 what Tombraider was to Playstation. Except with a guy. I think most people hate the cinematics during game play but when essentially you feel as though your playing the cinematics it's like a responsibility to finish the movie.

Dead Rising 2

Commentary: Brains.... Straight up locked in a tight space with litterally an endless horde of zombies. In Dead Rising there litterally felt like no safe place in the entire area you played. Literally all bathrooms were "safe points" and would take you to control rooms via airducts. That is artistic license on desperation. This new Dead Rising takes place in Las Vegas. Locked in a hotel/casino. Aside from just killing zombies with any found object in the game, I look forward to how the theme of a casino will be relative and different in this game. Stoked. Oh, erm....brains. Nerd

bbl

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Holy shit I came up with this idea on my fucking own. I'm amazed at myself

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

There is an urge inside me to do better by myself. I have an expired interest in going at life alone that stems from a childhood spent in an empty house. Reasons aside, I've made a decision to start seaking out something resembling the imagry of a what I felt was a "life"; now virtually shadows in light. I imagined it would be a collective effort. The effort, I have felt, has a firm footing in personal responsibility. The effort being every movement made in supporting this decision that is a "life" sought after by me. All things in my consideration follow a very logistical path that starts with an outline of titles, bulletpoints and subdivisions. The title of my outline that is more or less a map that plots the logistics of making the movements that coinside with the decision to have a "life" would read: Abilities.

What are my own abilities in terms of my responsibility for starting my "life" in the way that I imagin while involving another person.

• I am able to communicate
And why shouldn't I be? I'm trusting another person aren't I? We've all been let down by one person or another and some point in our lives so communication is of an immediate urgency.

• I can set goals
The first step to doing anything is to have some motivation that has a reward in sight right? If you know what for, how and why will come easily.

• I am aware of what I am doing
Alot of people make decision and swear up down left and right that they correct and they have a whole understanding of a the factors; significant, insignificant, and unforseeable. I know what I'm doing and I don't take it lightly and I know how what I'm doing relates to my other abilities.

• I romanticize the "life"
This can't be considered personal preference seeing as how I have no control over these thoughts. But they're welcomed and more often than not they fit into my goals. I could take that one step further and remind myself that my goals start off as romantic gestures nodding at the future.

All of this is good and well and though the list is shortened here I can assure the reader that it does stretch like taffee. And like taffee it droops with the weight of delicious, delicious sugary sweetness.

I had the notion in mind that it would be possible for me to add one such bulletpoint to my exceedingly, almost overwhelming, long list that would instantly change the functionality and fulidity of this process that involved a decision that yadda yadda yadda...

Time.

The single measurement in the list that states what I'm able to do the only measurment I have only shows growth and that financially. The indoctrination of time into this list has put. Great strain on myself mentally. A strain that is only in regards to the subject of the decision. But what with the decision being so grand and with a list of a tremendous size accompanying and mediating this decision .... ( PAUSE || ) ...

Redirecting

I am working a shit show job trying to save more money than I can rationalize to give my self financial convidence where internal confidence is lacking. I want this and I WILL have this, but I'm not stepping outside of my own terms on this. I am making a effort and I am only making decisions to strengthen that effort. A willingness to struggle for the sake of moving is not going to be reflected in me as I've already stated that I have no intention of struggling. Right now is my period of struggle and while I am aiming along with the scope of having things done by a certain time. If my goal isn't reached by that time then I'm not going to overdraw myself. The timeline isn't for me. The goal is and wi be reached and moves will be made there and after. I hope I am being understood wholly. What is desired for in May could potentially happen in August or September. Thats all I've ever been saying. It's fair and just and should have been discussed and appreciated as only that statement

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I could just hold out my right ear and force a pen through the streched flesh. If only to feel like something of importantance is actually happening here, I'd fucking do it. Rat race on full blast.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I will be a criminal in less than a years time (as if I am not currently). My intellect is broken by my own inability, or desire for that matter, to speak fluently. It requires breathing comfortably with an absent mind to center your thoughts around any conversation. My breathing is shallow and short. Shallower than that is my span of attention which is never limited to my most immediate distractions. It is criminal in a way to shed your ability to communicate willingly. When I am complimented I can't help but come off as unappreciative. I never accomplish anything that I feel is of any signficance. Most of what I do is mimicing what I see. I can coordinate myself just as well the next person. Self righteous people believe that fhey are the limit of human potential. I would be the minimum. I am the most pathetic example of a person by my own standards. I can't even handle myself at the rate if my own thoughts. I know it seems like this talk is all self deprecating but I truely am taking a break from that theme. In less than a years time I want to be living a comfortable place in a hard way. I want to steal and con the powers that be until they are left with little more than questions and plans of recovery.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Waking up just as upset as when I went to sleep. I can't even articulate how I feel. I just know when I put my head down last night I felt really inadequate. It's one thing to work the any mans job and be treated like a 5 year old by people that (you only notice when they're commanding you to do something) probably are far less able than you. By the time I get home the things I look forward to enjoying are so eclipse by a frustration I barely understand that I almost can't go to bed fast enough. It isn't all just one thing; If it was one thing I could have rattled it out of myself by now. It's a large disgust with people that makes me not even want to talk to myself. I have adopted a very dependent anti-humanity philosophy. What upsets me today, however, is not that philosophy maturing. A very volatile sorrowful and tremendous feeling alarms me daily. Making me anxious in ways similar to walking through a spider web. More than adopting philosophies, I want to institute practices that counter the passive anti-humanity mentality that turns my eyes red. My part in the process, in society, is minimal. Organizations address me so I feel a responsibility, and, I suppose I do. In a way that will only ever be relative to I & I, there's this heroic sense of responsibility that nearly outweighs the "fuck it/fuck them/fuck you too". There must be humor in this somewhere. You aren't supposed to want anything to do with all that you hate.
We've made a team together. We are 100% grass roots and we will till the soil and make amazing moments grown. I have tried to revel in the summer forgetting wholly that half of it was uncomfortable and painful. It has just been looming over my sour moods. Me being sour about so many things, and that sourness being interlaced throughout my year makes me wonder. I wonder if that same feeling will replenish itself as steadily as it has when my year becomes our year.

I'm groaning. How can you want this? I feel like a stick in the woods as I compare myself now. I never had anything to compare against but now there is a very measurable scale for me. A scale that only ever shows how poorly I'm doing. A scale that is only read in snapshots and witty lines and other peoples memories. The invisible scale that replaces a persons name with friend in recalled stories. I silently withdraw into a state of worthlessness. All the things I don't have can never amount to anything.

I wake up and work a job that more so than most other jobs is most expendable in a time of crisis. My role in this job is important but I am not crucial. I hate the purpose of this job and I hate the product it creates. Those products are part of what most people struggle for. I want to be an agent of resolve but that doesn't make sense when I'd have to commit to the resources produced by the means I hate.
It's no longer teenage angst. I'm trying to understand and cope with how to live the rest if my fucking life. If I have a difficult time articulating that I think it's okay when at the very least I'm treating all these issues as life threatening.

My time, my life, no justice, no hero's, and years of untapped potential. There is no fucking time to be a young coward just participating.
... at the very least I'm treating all these issues as life threatening.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

4 birthday reminders ... Like I suddenly forgot.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

All the PNC ATMs in Penn Station are now Chase Bank. What the fuck PNC. All you needed to do was upgrade them. I think I might legitimately call and complain or write a letter.

...

I think I just turned into an old man.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

We can take a weekend, you and I. Any weekend in a month; a year or season that either I or you choose. In that time we can collapse into eachothers chests. Sharing our breaths beneathe our breast and listening intently never oversighting a detail in our kept company. Limbs, torso, and head become inanimate objects better suited for eachother. The feeling isn't automatic. It could never be so. Not with such romance and passion that turns to shapes and sounds.

I need hugsss

Posted via LiveJournal.app.