Title and ownership over property is a kind of manufactured order. As I slide into my societal adult years what once was only adolecent angst has swollen 10x in my heart. All whome I see as people in a collective leave me with a distaste. Worse than this, I have to participate within the collective. Now I have seemingly conflicting ideals. I appreciate humanity and it's accomplishments as well as the dreggs of most insincere hostilities. I like chinese food, I like cars, and obviously I love my iPhone (no matter how busted it is). I love how humanity ages. Multiple cultures whoes ideals are in opposition to eachother endlessly trying to find a compromise or erraticate. There is no natrual paralelle example. What I dislike are the applications of control imposed on my life. When the things I love most in my hands are entirely born of a system Im struggling to put myself at odds with, I feel overwhelmed. It's a desperate chase for compromise when living in such a absolute disadvantage during what I can assume with unwaivering confidence is my only time of collective conciousness. I want fairness in an unfair world an I have resolved that my sort of fairness doesn't flow with the current of the western world. I fear for my welfare in a world where the standards are measured in 45 year dedication that accomplishes very little. It's difficult to believe my father got all he has on his own and my mother arrived in this country with only $16.00 to her name simply that I might work a career for 45 years only to explore the world bungied to the stability of the life that simply pays the bills.
"stability". What the fuck does that even mean? That is such a trained measurment of fear in this world. Financial stability, security and other things we're taught to justify how we live. Our greatest potential is written in boundries that define where we roam. People used to believe the world was boundless and just an open expanse. In those times. They were entirely wrong. The world was a small place decades and centries ago. A place where when you spoke a nation if people could hear your words. Now the world has grow and where you might find it difficult to find unturned stones, that difficulty is eclipsed entirely when you try to define yourself freely. The rules are drawn bold to maintain all that has been indoctrinated into our standard way of life. I've seen very few practical examples of how a mentality in likeness of my own is exercised in our society. Being homeless is foolish just as is removing yourself entirely from the current state of humanity. Natural worship is smart but is only instituted by naturalist which is just fucking dumb. Essentially there's no such thing as compromise in this.

I doubt very many people are going to read this but I'm sure those of you that do will be quick to say that I'm being unfair to myself. Or this is poor logic. Or that you simply don't understand. I feel this perception of me could only be radical in the way that I am on the same side of the fence. Whereas someone else with an apperent cultural difference, perhaps fueled religiously, is better excepted as just being differnt. But that is a problem in the worst way. It shows an immediate unwillingness to reevaluate your being.

My attention was never meant to be averted as the bullshit started in pre-k. ...

It's so hard to align my thoughts as I stand here on the platform for the E Train.

... It may seem unrelated, but the other day I had a thought regaurding college suicide. More specifically suicide as a direct result of workload. What is the worth of an advanced education to a persons life? If you want to be a rocket scientist then I have may hav more sympathy for you but certainly not in the case of suicide. But if you're writting your senior thesis on the psychologically effects of desire: child to marshmellow, and your hard drive crashes on the last sentence, all there should be there is frustration. If you fail, it's only in theory you've failed. If you didn't study because you stayed out late and got wasted I still feel like you're failure is in theory. It could never be in actuallity. Your already so far at the mercy of someone elses opinion and you've proven soo much by your current position. To not graduate is nothing more than a "waste" of money. Now if you walk away from all that retaining nothing. Then you've wasted money. But it's only going to have the worth you assign it. My co-workers have gone to prestigious schools and programs and I'm still in a far better position to advance than them. Alot of things we do in practce are in fucking theory at the end of the day.

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Walter, I didn't know what you would look like before I bought you. A friend expressed her desire to finish a plan that would have involved a machine like you. In quiet agreement, I planned for you. I discussed my finances for you. I stressed for you and paniced for you. I walked then ran then sprinted for you and then sat so uncomfortably in the drivers seat of my own vehicle for you. As a final gesture, I bled for you, Walter.
I didn't know what you would look like before I bought you.
You're calm now and civil for the moment but you will work back all that I claim you owe. Doing so with no hesitation or resistance. Walter, I expect the world of you and so long as I am kind I hope you will be respectful of that kidness.

With all of this said.
I'm really happy to have you,
Walter <3

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She's in there killing it.

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